Ok so this morning I saw something scroll by on my feed, a story of a woman getting called "good girl." I almost scrolled right past it honestly. and then like 3 hours later an older
woman looked right at me and said the exact same thing.
and I just stood there like... wtf.
I'm 44+. Have wisdom locks, laugh lines, have lived (maybe I should be thankful she thinks I'm a girl. Now what age is that again?) I manage Studio SHIM and our website. I make things with my own two hands, art and ideas and this whole little world Shane and I built out of basically nothing but a vision, a mission.
I am not a girl. haven't been one in decades and I genuinely don't want to be one again, thanks.
Being a girl meant being small. manageable, getting a little pat on the head for behaving. I'm not interested in going back.
Anyway I looked it up, chatted with Shane, and of course there's actually a word for this. It's called infantilizing. Basically talking to a grown adult like they're a kid, and usually the person doing it has no idea. It happens to women a lot, and apparently it gets worse as we age, not better. cool cool cool.
and it's not really the 'good girl.' that just set me off. it's the bigger thing, women get treated like we are something to manage, like we learned a new trick.
Then there's the other stuff too. random comments from total strangers about things that have nothing to do with anything. How a grocery cart looks, what we're wearing, whatever. it's like people are treating real life the way they treat a Facebook wall, saying whatever crosses their mind, out loud, to a stranger, with zero filter and honestly? maybe it's not even about the comments themselves. maybe it's us.
We spend so much of our life being seen. putting work out there, building community, showing up as Studio SHIM, out loud, all the time. so when we're just at the store, just living, some part of us wants to not be seen for a minute. just be two people buying groceries. not artists, not community builders, not "the studio people," not anything ... just us flowing through life. And yes, of course we love to know the impact of our work, we love being of service, we love activating streets in public and private space but everything is set and setting. Everything has a time and space.
I am a woman who's earned everyone of these lines on her face. I don't need to be told I'm "good" whether it be myself or my purchase. Also, if I'm consistently having my buys being complimented, does that mean the majority of people are not buying real food and supplies?
A few things that have actually helped with pop-up assessments, it may help you:
- Say it out loud in the moment. even just "I'm a woman" it resets things fast, most people are just on autopilot and naming it snaps them out of it.
- Keep the peace, a flat "hmm" and moving on is enough and than write a blog like a did here. Get it out another way or even dance. Seriously, how many things you can solve in your life with movement. Try it!
- Trust the weird feeling. if it felt off, it was off. you're not being dramatic.
- Give yourself permission to be off-duty. you don't owe the world your "on" self every single time you leave the house.
- Talk to someone. even just "that was weird right?" it takes the weight off, don't carry it.
None of this is really about one comment or one day. it's about all the years it took to get here, and needing a little room, not always for consumption.
This is honestly the energy at Studio Shim, not shrinking for anyone, but also allowed to just be tired sometimes, and wanting to cloak and go unnoticed while also share our humanism and monetizing our heART. This balance is what makes us who we are. Maybe it's because I'm an Aries, Shane's a Libra and we're coming into a full moon, Who knows, but this is the story that wanted to be shared today.
I'm not a girl. I'm more.
I almost didn't post this one. felt a little too raw but then again... I'm an artist, I'm apparently supposed to be change the world, share my thoughts, or whatever, lol, so here we are.
And seriously even men, think about it... if you were called a good boy, what is your first reaction? even though I know most would not react.
Very interested in hearing if this resonates, of if you think it's dramatic, or if it's just my opinion and all of these can be true or none at all, and that's alright too,
Next blog/diary coming to you on Sunday, if not before.
All the BEST,
Kim